Spring is here!

so why do I feel sooooooo rubbish still?

a present from the district nurse

By popular demand, here is the Bristol Stool form scale. I never knew it would be so popular...

But just when you think it's all over, don't forget what goes in has to come out. Never one to boast, but I've had all of these in ONE day.

Beat that, botty people.

On a more interesting note, not to say worrying, my 14 year old son went off to London last night to meet his elder brother. Good thing I was too drugged up to panic. He got to Vauxhall, only changing trains twice, aaaaggghhh, on a Saturday night, aaaagggghh, and is now working/running with Bill on a film.

He is going to be so smug when he comes home... Coen brothers watch out. He is going to film my hair regrowing, so let's hope it does. Working title only: "Regrowth."

Tiddly Bafta's

and you think going out is the only way to have fun? Stay in and get George and Brad to visit you.

Until now, no one knows why they missed the supper after the Bafta's. They both came to see me and we shared the chocolates... only one each, cos they have to look after their bronzed figures.

"...it was the worst of times*"

...but the chemo is over, just got to survive trips to the loo, too numerous to mention, for the next three weeks, then however long it takes, to get back to 'normal'. oh and Dr Onc has decided, no radiotherapy. Well, hurrah to that.

I think I have missed getting into the Hockney exhibition in England so I plan to see it in Paris, it's good to plan. I'm more likely to get into Iida-Yayoi's show at the Tate Modern www.tate.org.uk/modern/ 
I look more like her, except she has eyebrows.

Alexa is going to the Bafta's this evening and is passing on my best to George. I think this would be a good time to give you my thank you speech.

A huge thanks to everyone who has hung on in there through all the last six months of crud. All my chums and most of my family have been more than fantastic, and unlike Meryl (or Beryl which would be a better name and keep her more grounded) I won't name every single one of you ...except James, Polly, Bill, Harry and Clare.

And Daisy cos she is currently trashing every room in the house looking for something I have lost, so no change there and she will continue if I don't mention her.

Since I'm not allowed out, Mr Clooney is coming to me, more news later.

*Happy Birthday Charlie boy and so long shoop shoop Whitney.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only." Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

Equipoise

Just seen the onc and we are in an equipoise situation so I'm now in a supremo clinical trial.

Clinical equipoise means there is genuine uncertainty over whether a treatment will be beneficial.

"If the clinician knows, or has good reason to believe, that a new therapy (A) is better than another therapy (B), he cannot participate in a comparative trial of Therapy A versus Therapy B. Ethically, the clinician is obligated to give Therapy A to each new patient with a need for one of these therapies."

still awake? So I might have radiotherapy, I might not.

My one hairy leg was described as a miracle of modern science. I impressed the onc so much with my grasp of the situation that I was even offered a consulting room of my own. For a clever onc, he could also laugh which we agreed was the most important thing.

The thing that couldn't die

I thought you all deserved  a saturday matinee and this film sums up how I'm feeling. The lovely nurse and Santiago were witness to the oddest noises ever to be heard emanating from my gut.

I was told I should watch 'The big C', thanks, yes I could relate to all of it, but knowing there are loads more like me does not make me feel any better.

And the family were just too real. Does anyone have a functional family? Polly, we need more cupcakes.

And these guys just make me less lonely, I've got to work on the pointed ear lobes though. I have to admit that glum Nurse Ratchett really did a blinder this time, Chemo 5 was the worst. This is the first time I've been out of bed for a week, and along with the body falling apart, I just feel extremely sad.

Probably too much daytime Kirsty bleedin' Allsopppy. On a more positive note, I do feel like the forerunner for the end of the world as we know it. Always cutting edge eh?

Has it hit the fan yet?

Well yes actually, I spent all morning writing this (and saving it) only for it to disappear. Who knows where? It would have told you about my views on the disability living (or dying, which i'm sure 'cam the scam' would prefer) allowance, constipation and diarrhoea, a gorgeous Spanish male nurse called Santiago, which for all you unspangled, means St James, where to buy a prosthesis for swimming costumes and all you need to know about travel insurance, if heaven help you, you are ill.   But you are  going to have to wait. I'm knackered. I'm just going to dream about Santiago.

titter yee not...

ok, it's Cameron Diaz

I've got an ipad! and it's all thanks to Twitter (and the old man). I've never twitted or twatted and I thought RT was Radio Times but some daft American wanted the old mans Twitter 'handle'(?) and was prepared to pay for it. So the old man very kindly got me the ipad. I'll stop calling him 'the old man' for a day now. My even dafter American chum, Syd said we should have held out for much more. But I'm happy.

Friday 13th is my new lucky day. There's a Greek holiday to look forward to, seats at Glyndebourne (sitting down) and a new ipad and the only good thing about the chemo is that I have lost one stone in weight.

I've got chemo again next friday so don't worry, it's not all great news.

proper prof

I remembered the list and the handsome prof patiently went through the ramblings of a middle aged woman. He took my first question a bit too literally and I explained 'how much longer' meant how much longer will the effects of chemo last? The prof said after the final stab it would be six to eight weeks to feel vaguely human and up to a year to get back to wherever I left off.

The breathlessness is because I'm not producing enough red blood cells, so my lungs are 20% deflated.

The radiotherapy has to be discussed with another oncologist cos the prof only knows everything about chemotherapy.

The spa was frowned upon so fortunately my guardian angel has booked a lovely hotel in Kefalonia. Finally I have something to look forward to at the end of June!

I will have to take Tamoxifen and the prof asked why I put 'squits' on the list. I explained that like most of the nation, I couldn't spell diarrhoea. I didn't stop at pebble dashing the porcelain.

start with the good news...

The New Years honours finally got it right, my super hero finally got the best gong, I think he's happier about his show at the Royal Academy, but he hasn't seen the scarf I'm making him yet. http://www.royalacademy.org.uk/exhibitions/hockney


















and Essex boy made good, Sir Tony, we love you! S'pose you want a scarf now too?
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antonio_Pappano

Meantime, back in the chemo world, it's been rubbish. Every orifice in my body is oozing something disgusting. This is the first time I have got out of bed for a week, prefering the duvet's conversation.

My chums have been outstanding and my chidlings all wonderful.  I still didn't seem to warrant an ipad though. Well I did get huge amounts of incontinence pads instead, marvellous. But the morphine is good.

Alexa made me a useful list cos I'm going to see the professor tomorrow. You know you are ill if the professor will see you. I just have to remember the list.