what did you get for Christmas?

Christmas fairies trimmed the tree

Let's see who is through the round window. Aren't they lovely? They flew in, watched Strictly, danced a bit, drank some cava, trimmed the tree and now they have flown away (one to Jamaica and one to Cornwall).

Now I have too many horrible things going on to mention, especially during the season of goodwill to all men and titless women. My glad tidings do still involve some swear words so I'll just mumble them until the New Year, then I'll give you all the gory details...

countdown to you know what...

Christmas tipples
if you have to be tee-total or have a hangover or (weirdly) just don't fancy booze, try:
pineapple juice
ginger ale
ginger beer
but do not drink grapefruit juice, if you are on chemo. It counteracts any good the chemo is doing. Boring bit:Grapefruit can block the activity of an enzyme in the intestine that is involved in the metabolism of certain medications. Because the medications can't be broken down, blood levels may rise and become toxic. 

whoops...

Cheap Blue Peter Wreath
Shape a circle out of a coat hanger and wrap holly from granny and ivy from the roadside around the 'wreath' and use wire to keep it vaguely circular. Add some chilli peppers and any old red plant to heat it up a bit and Brussel sprouts if you can (uncooked).

'becoming poorer, losing its identity'

The best pier in the worst storm by David Gray

If you are an insomniac like me, one useful thing to do during the shipping forecast are your arm exercises.

You might whack your partner a few times, but it will stop the snoring, for a bit.

I had the 3rd chemo yesterday and I now know what 'near the knuckle' means. The canula was attached between two knuckles for 'a good vein' and it hurt, a lot. The good news: I have felt nauseous but have not been sick yet. The bad news: I will not be boogying on New Years Eve as the 4th chemo is on 30th December.

I rang the people at the Benefit Centre as my doctor has given me a sick note for the next four months. Trouble is who do I give it to? me? After a long phone call, I still have to give further information about the mortgage haha, pension hahaha etc hohoho. And of course, be available for work... might be worth doing just to be sick over the boss.

Apparently on the 'Benefit' computer, (strange name), I can only be English, Welsh or Scottish. There isn'y a tick box for 1/2 English, 1/2 Scottish. Apologies Scottish cousins.

Every which way... and lose

Took the wig out for tea at the Grand Hotel. The Grand Hotel is on Brighton seafront and it's very windy. You can guess the rest. I now look like an orang-utan, except he's got more hair.

The picture makes my husband look good.

I met a fantastic lady this week who also had a wig alert in the Ashdown Forest. Her wig blew off and her dog ran after it because he thought it was a rabbit! She was great, having survived breast cancer and ovarian cancer and was an inspiration.

MORE TIPS
To stop the mouth ulcers and swollen tongues, use chlorhexidine gluconate, antiseptic mouthwash. It turns your teeth pink but it does help with the mouth problems.

My loving 'been there' sister gave me a present last week. I thought, way hey, finally an Ipad... no but nearly though. She gave me incontinence pads... and if that wasn't enough she also gave me haemorrhoid ointment, gaviscon double action pills and cystitus granules.

and here's another reason to hate Cameron:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/dec/06/cancer-patients-welfare-work-tests
what a banker

How to get through December

Forget the pills, the self-help groups and therapists.

Just surround yourself with funny people, good friends who don't bore you rigid about the economy, Christmas presents and how 'tough everything is'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4zRe_wvJw8

My Dad used to sing this, with his Glaswegian accent, whilst driving...

Oh brother, where art thou?

Two George Clooneys on the sofa? 

You wait for ages and then two turn up at once.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29fiEDZdz38&feature=youtu.be

tumour humour

Hurrah for 50/50. Sounds a great film and might stop people giving me that pathetic look like they've got it and now it's their problem? I'm with Tanya Branning, screaming at your family is a good relief. If they think she looks peaky...

Ideas for Christmas presents for your sick friends
The skin needs to bathe in olive oil constantly so any moisturiser is good.
Anything to strengthen nails, cos they break. Plus daft nail varnish or a manicure.

Back to Eastenders, a punch bag maybe?
I'm still after an Ipad2, if you want to start a collection.

Snakes alive

I was warned about having a sensation like ants in my pants by Nurse Ratchet, which I have not yet had but no one told me about the snakes... In the evening my underarm doubles in size and I get the weirdest feeling like my whole gut has been invaded by writhing snakes.

Trust me you are lucky, you don't have to live with this weirdo. Poor old James, thirty years together and he ends up with a whacko for company. He's a brilliant cook and I can't taste anything. He's very patient and I am totally impatient. Well, rubbish patient all round.

The fruit salad has blocked my blog

Orange, Apple and Blackberry are offended by my angry use of some of the fruity words used in this blog so as I want my 14 year old to be able to access this, if he wants to, I have removed the offending swear words... doesn't mean I don't mumble them at inappropriate moments.

Chemo Two, revenge of the syringe

The lovely nurse Sophie said 'well, this will be like the first time'. WRONG. I have finished the 108 drugs taken over the last three days, and have had a job keeping them in my gut. I rang the hospital to ask advice and they said try the anti-sickness pills first. HaHa It was only this evening that I heard that Brighton Hospital had closed two wards because of a suspected Norovirus outbreak. No wonder they weren't welcoming anyone at the hospital who was already chucking up.

Another TIP
loads of hand cream (expensive)
(for anyone thinking what do I give the woman who has everything this Christmas, plus bits missing?)

Getting down to the knitty gritty

A fellow tit meister, Sarah, suggested knitting was a good exercise to do so I'm now onto my 15th scarf order, all handmade in Brighton, by Knitty Gritty. All the scarfs are wonderful . If you want one let me know. I've run out of money so you'll have to pay for the wool and make an enormous donation to Cancer Research UK. cancerresearchuk.org/donate 
or Macmillan http://directdebit.macmillan.org.uk.
We never forget you have a choice...

Agyness Deyn is modelling the style on the cover of Elle, 'cept hers is a jumper. and I didn't make it, and it probably cost thousands, which of course my very on-trend scarves don't.

Here's one I'll do later, thanks Zelda!

Getting wiggy with it

My friend Humphrey has the same problem, but he's a black labrador. We are both moulting profusely. Me and the wig went out for tea today, it was terrifying (and painful). TIP ONE: Think of all the stars who wear wigs, I would list them but then I'd be sued. Just imagine it's a hat if you feel self conscious. TIP TWO: let all the hair fall out before putting the wig on. With both, the wig felt dreadful and every time I adjusted it, it felt like the whole world pulling my hair (what's left of it) all at once.  Please don't be as silly as me.

Fortunately, I was with my old mate Neil and we sniggered through the whole daft thing and enjoyed some healthy juices and a delicious unhealthy tea with clotted cream and cakes.

Closest I'll get to Brazil

The books said 10 to 14 days after the first session of chemo, and they were right, they just didn't say how... Like most, i was dreading the hair loss. I knew it was going to happen I just didn't know when. According to all the clever chaps, it was all coming off, no chemo cap was going to get in the way of this baby. And an extremely large baby is what I am going to look like.

All the books say you'll lose your hair but it will grow back, maybe curly...

I wanted to know how it falls out. Do you wake up one morning shivering and think 'oh that's right all my hairs gone?' Not in my case...  it doesn't come out in one go. It chooses a location.

Now unhairy legs would be good. Even though winter's here, no. Susie would prefer me with unhairy arms, sorry Sooz, not yet... Put it this way, I'll never have to wax my bikini line again (for folks who know me, they know how hysterically funny that idea really is.)
I was sometimes called Smithy, now it's Sniffy. And I haven't got a cold, the runny nose is cos there's no hair in my nostrils.


Maybe now I should be called Tin Tin.

11.11.11

thinking about my brilliant, grumpy old Dad today.

He was a Desert Rat, made Himler sweep the guard's room and a Major in the Black Watch. He and his troops relieved Fecamp and were thanked by the Monks who brewed the vile green stuff in the beautiful monastery who proceeded to get him and his division totally plastered on Benedictine. He said it was the worst hang over he ever had. Then he named me after D Day, I suppose it could have been Deirdre...

He survived all of this just to become an error in the system, the way old people are treated currently. The urine filled ward in Elm Grove Hospital, Brighton has since been closed. I'm afraid even the nurses there should have been ashamed of themselves. Nobody cared.

The family finally got him moved back to the General hospital where weeks later he died, but at least with a tiny bit of dignity. I loved him loads.

SuSpense is...

a bit of encouragement from Jamaica

chemo 'baby brain' and the bits no-one tell you about

nobody tells you about the 'baby brain'. Thanks.* I think like childbirth, everyone forgets the bad bits. I thought I was going mad. Currently I have No memory at all, then a few lucid moments when I think all this isn't really happening...

CONSTIPATION
anything with codeine in it is going to bung you up. Senna is best, or Ayrton as we call it.
MOUTH ULCERS
they creep up on you and then you can't eat a thing. Bonjela Complete plus
(another daft name) and the 'temporary discomfort sensation' is code for it hurts like hell.
COLD FINGERS
no idea why this happens but it does.
PARACETAMOL WITH CAFFEINE
not a good idea after lunchtime

*Thanks, lovely Lisa, the Macmillan nurse. Macmillan are brilliant and need any spare dosh you may have.

Slashed, poisoned but maybe not burned ...

I start chemo next week so i should be bald in time for halloween, just in time to be a real zombie. Check out the syrup!

sorry but swearing really does seem to help...

bonkologist was not George Clooney, but he gave me a CD of our cancer chat... apparently when they dug in, the grade one (small) was infact grade three (bigger) and encrusted with rubies and diamonds. I've been reading about crapotherapy and I haven't found the good bit yet. I cannot swim, travel, holiday or anything for five months. sh£$. f*&(, b@±!@£$.

funeral parlour?

All the flowers were beautiful, much appreciated and fortunately now it is only them which are dead.

How gray was your brocolli? horrid hospital

I would rather have been with Polly on the wings of a tiger moth. Watch the clip if you need help with your exercises, which YOU MUST DO. The nurses were totally wonderful. The NHS management were rubbish. I work in a brewery and I know for a fact that they couldn't. There was no continuity throughout my extended stay. First it was one night and I ended up being there for five days. My family were great and even managed a laugh when I offered to share the morphine.

The hospital was all a bit scary. All the docs and nurses seemed to know exactly what they were doing. They just never had the time to explain it to me. Alexa had helped me dye a bit of my hair pink, on the left, so they got the correct side to chop. A patient who was a nurse could remember only one occasion when the wrong side was chopped off...

Harry sent me a great get well card.
Oh how I hate Cameron.

The text messages from my friends were hilarious and much appreciated. lots of references to George Clooney and a rather handsome anaesthetist who I fell asleep on and never saw again. James and Bill were there when I came around and they did a good impression of not looking worried.

The surgeon did a 'great job' and while he was there he hacked out thirty six lymph nodes including three which were cancerous. I ended up with a 'drain' and no left tit. The next day I awoke thinking the tit had grown back. This was the fluid which would normally have travelled through the lymph nodes but it had nowhere to go.

If you are going to have this surgery just take all the drugs offered and drink loads of prune juice.

The irradiation was a waste of my time as they decided on 'belt and braces' chemotherapy. Hopefully the research will help someone else. Now I just glow in the dark.

...summer, 2011

just cos I know this is the silly season and you probably won't believe this, but I thought I had better update you on the latest events in the tit world.

The MRI scan detected two cancerous growths too far apart for a lumpectomy so I am having a mastectomy. The left breast is coming off on 05th September in Haywards Heath Hospital, oh and as a favour they've asked if I would mind being irradiated during the operation. I said well why not? Might give me that youthful glow. (I will find out why tomorrow). James thinks I should have them both off. Please vote now:

A one tit or B two tits.

I hope it will make you have a mammogram incase you haven't already. Pass it on to anyone who thinks it will never happen to them.

seems a long time ago now

Glaswegian bloody mindedness, that was my downfall. Just cos the nasty people at NICE said I couldn't have a mammogram for three years, even though my mother and my sister and my brother had all had breast cancer... I said they were being "irresponsible". The people at Guys told me my families cancers were 'not familial' so that was that. Fortunately I have a great GP who was on my side so I got an appointment at the imaginatively named 'breast' clinic.

There I was lectured on the amount of money mammograms cost and that I was only allowed a physical examination. Within seconds of the examination, the nurse said I should have a mammogram.

Oh bugger I thought, that wasn't in the plot...

Everyone knows someone with breast cancer

I was not planning to be one of them but there you go, this is really an update for my functional and dis-functional family (they probably think they know who they are) and friends plus anyone who needs a bit of daft advice or tips. So please pass it on if there's someone you know who's feeling a bit lost.

A sense of humour is also essential.